Captain Jack Blakeney and the Scarlet Pirate
by Baroness Emma
Summary: What happens when Sir Percy Blakeney and Captain Jack Sparrow switch places? A lot of zaniness, that's for sure! A pure crack!fic. ON HIATUS. PROBABLY WILL NOT BE UPDATED.
1. Seas and Ships

A crossover between two great movies - The Scarlet Pimpernel (1982) and Pirates of the Caribbean - Curse of the Black Pearl(2003). I own NOTHING, so do not expect accuracy.

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**Captain Jack Blakeney and the Scarlet Pirate**

**Seas and Ships**

Marguerite Blakeney was fantastically happy. She was so happy she didn't know what to do with all the happiness. She wasn't happy because she had just been saved from a gruesome and terrible death; she wasn't happy because she was now going home to England; she wasn't happy because she was married to the Scarlet Pimpernel; and she wasn't happy because her brother was still in terrible mortal danger. She was happy because here, now, at this moment, in the middle of the English Channel, aboard the Day Dream, Percy. Was. Touching. Her.

It was great. Sure, it was on the shoulder, but it was still great. For someone who usually managed to get through the day by just lightly tapping his eyeglass on other people's cravats, Percy gave really good backrubs. . .

It was great. Really really great. It was so great that Marguerite felt some poetry coming on. . .

"They seek him here, they seek him there,

Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.

Is he in heaven? Is he in hell?

My own elusive Pimpernel. . ."

"Sink me!" said Percy, predictably, "The lady's a poet."

Then he leaned down to kiss her. . .

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Captain Jack Sparrow was fantastically happy. He was so happy he didn't know what to do with all the happiness. He wasn't happy because he had just been saved from a gruesome and terrible death; he wasn't happy because his home - the Pearl - had just taken a thorough bombing; he wasn't happy because he still wasn't married; and he wasn't happy because his life was still in terrible mortal danger. He was happy because here, now, at this moment, in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, aboard the Black Pearl, He. Was. Touching. Her.

It was great. Sure, it was on the captain's wheel, but that was sometimes the best place. For someone who usually managed to get through the day by just running his eyes lustily over other people's ships, it felt really good to own one. . .

It was great. Really really great. It was so great that Captain Jack felt some poetry coming on. . .

"We're rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves,

Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.

We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,

Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho. . ."

He sighed.

"Now, bring me that horizon. . . ", he murmured.

Suddenly, the horizon said "Sink ME!"

Gibbs leaned down and said, predictably, "It's turrible bad luck to hear that while aboard a ship at sea Cap'n. . . ."

And then the earth moved. . . . . . . . . . . .

And the Day Dream and the Black Pearl were sailing the same waters. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Zounds!" said Sir Percy.

"Well, this is interesting," said Captain Jack.

Marguerite and Gibbs looked at each other in dismay.

Suddenly, reciting poetry on board ship was bad luck too. . . . . . . . . . . .

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Can it get any weirder? Oh yes. Yes it can.

Just wait.


	2. Land Lubbers and Loonies

This is *gaspshock* an UPDATE!!!!!

My thanks go to The Phantom Dragon for kicking me into high gear with this story. Don't like this madness? Well blame her! (no, don't actually - everything in this story is my fault, even if it WAS inspired by Phantom Dragon's encouraging PM's ;)

And here I must tip my top hat to Sherlockian Girl and Pimpernel Princess. Their alliterative skills cannot be matched, nor can a simple introduction do justice to to the camaraderie they bring to my humble existence.

One for all and all for one, my friends.

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**Land-Lubbers and Loonies**

The League ran onto the deck of the Daydream with a tremendous "WHOOOOOOOP!"

They all chattered - "WHAT was THAT???? - WHERE are we???? - BLAKENEY???? - What's goin' on? - Who's in that ship with black sails? - You've a interrupted our game of hazzard!!!! - Oh, shove off Tony! - OW! - Hey, I was EATING that! - Why was there a big bang and a splash? - Wow it's warm out all of a sudden! - It that a PIRATE ship? - HEYYYY! GREAT BOAT YOU GOT, BUT THE SAILS ARE A TAD FREAKY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEA- - Augh!!! - Shut UP you dweeb! - Shut up yourself!!!! - Percy! He's looking at me again - make him stop! - Whoa I think I'm seasick - Is this still the Channel or what? Lady Blakeney! Make Hastings stop pukeing on me!"

While the League made this impossible amount of noise, Captain Briggs sighed, "Dern it, and we're out o'brandy. . ."

"There's always rum. . ." mumbled Jack.

"Ah, no, we're out of that too," said Gibbs, sadly.

"WHAT?!?!?!" yelled Blakeney and Jack at the same time, "HOW CAN WE BE OUT OF BRUANMDY?"

Marguerite ducked behind Sir Percy - this was not the sort of thing that amused her, and she could only imagine what would come next.

But Sir Percy and Captian Jack looked at each other across the very short distance between their ships.

"Did you, perchance, mention rum, my good man?" said Percy, foppishly swinging his eyeglass, and peering at the deck of the Pearl with some distaste, "I would CERTAINLY say you particular ship IS a "rum one" if you know what I mean."

Jack twirled the captain's wheel and somehow managed to swagger while standing still, "It is a PIRATE ship _my good man_, and if you'd bother to notice what is in front of your eyes, you'd find it quite unnecessary to eye what's in front of you."

Percy blinked. Doggrel poetry was quite inadequate to deal with such a sea-dog as this.

"Well, La, man," he said, lightly, "Let me observe your _crew_, and I promise that I shall restrain all comment."

"ALL HANDS ON DECK!!!!!!!" shouted Jack, and stomped on the boards to make the pirate crew come up topside.

"Bad idea. . ." mumbled Gibbs, "Posh la-dee-dah man like that. . ."

But what actually happened was a surprise to everybody.

"AVAST!!! I AM WILL TURNER AND AM HERE TO RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!" shouted Will Turner.

Captain Jack whirled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??????"

Elizabeth came up behind him, "I AM FOREVER-LIZZY-THE-PRINCESS-OF-PERFECTNESS AND WE ARE STOWING AWAY!!!!"

"Oh," said Jack, "That makes sense."

"Does it really?" asked Blakeney, whose eyes were boggled in foppish dismay, "THAT is your crew?"

"NO!" shouted Jack, and he stomped on the deck again.

All of a sudden there was a murmuring, milling, mumbleing crowd of pirates on the deck of the Pearl, and Lord Antony Dewhurst could no longer contain himself.

"Blakeney," he said, grinning and poking his leader in the arm, "Will we get to walk the plank??? Pleeeeeeese?"

"NO!" hissed Sir Percy, distracted by the flood of pirate invective that was flowing from the deck of the other ship.

Tony whined, "But they have cool nicknames over there - I want cool nicknames! - just listen to the cool nicknames they have!"

The pirates were grumbling - "Grr Argh! Thar ain't no reason to have us on deck, Cap'n" - "So what treasure are we after this time?" - "Do we get to go to Tortuga?" - "I want to be next in line for the grog!" - "HEY - STOP IT! I'M next!!!!!!!" - *punch* "OW! That was my bad leg!" - *pop* "Ahhhhhh - my EYE!" - "Dern YOUR eye! MINE has fallen out again" *crunch* - "AHHHHHHHH! YOU STEPPED ON IT!" - "Cut it OUT you whining cross dresser!" - "HEY! That ONLY happened once!" - "Yes but you enjoyed it" - "There was blood and guts involved!" - *whap* "Owwwwwwww!" - Careful! We aren't immortal anymore!"

While the pirates made this incomprehensible noise, Lord Tony decided not to wait any longer and he jumped across the short distance between the two ships, and hurled himself into the crowd.

"Wahhhhhoooo!" he yelled, pointing at Will Turner - "You are Will-Will the Cutsie Boy!" and then he pointed at Elizabeth, "And you are "Pretty Girl Lizzy", and he pointed at Jack - "And you are Jack Jack the Incredible!" - and he pointed at Ragetti "You are "Bob the One Eyed Bandit"! Yeeeehawwwwww!!!!!!!" Then he leaped into the rigging and began to swing happily from rope to rope.

Jack blinked. Ordinary piratical wits and some extraordinary swaggering were not enough to deal with something like this.

Somewhat stunned he looked with eyes half lidded at Sir Percy, "You know Blakeney," he drawled, "some of your men have personality traits distinctly similar to that of an undead monkey."

Sir Percy grinned, "Perhaps," he conceded, "But it occurs to me that some of YOUR crew have traits that are not so far apart from those of a sans-culotte. . ."

Suddenly both Captain Jack Sparrow and Sir Percy Blakeney began to have ideas. . . . . . .

There was fun to be had in this circumstance. . . . . . .

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Well. . . there you have it! Hope you enjoyed. . . If I get some more reviews and maybe some more ideas it will continue much faster. . .


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